The holiday season can be a mixed bag of emotions for anyone, but for adults recovering from religious trauma, it often brings a unique set of challenges. After leaving a high-control religion, the holidays may feel like uncharted territory. Traditions that once felt like an essential part of your identity may now feel burdensome or fraught with complicated emotions, leaving you questioning how to engage with the season. This time of year might also highlight unresolved grief, strained family relationships, or a sense of isolation as you work to redefine your place in the world. If you’re navigating this season while grappling with religious trauma, you’re not alone. There are ways to honor your experiences, nurture your well-being, and create space for healing, empowerment, and even joy during this time.
Challenges You Might Face During the Holidays
While you may not identify with all these challenges, here are some common areas of struggle for people navigating the holiday season with religious trauma.
Conflicted Feelings About Traditions: Holidays might remind you of rituals and practices you no longer participate in. You might feel a sense of loss, guilt, or even nostalgia for traditions that once felt comforting but now feel restrictive or inauthentic.
Family Dynamics: Reuniting with family who remain in the faith can stir up tension. You may face judgment, questions about your choices, or pressure to participate in religious activities. Even well-meaning family members may unintentionally reopen wounds.
Loneliness and Isolation: If you’ve distanced yourself from a faith community, the holidays might highlight the absence of what once felt like belonging. This can amplify feelings of loneliness, even as you work toward building a new sense of community and self.
Internalized Shame and Self-Doubt: High-control religions often instill deep-seated shame and self-doubt. The holiday season, with its emphasis on joy and togetherness, can magnify feelings of inadequacy or a sense that you’re “doing it wrong.”
Ways to Empower Yourself with Self-Compassion and Care
Reclaim or Redefine Traditions: Create new rituals that feel meaningful to you. This could be as simple as lighting candles, preparing a favorite meal, or starting a gratitude journal. Consider decorating your space in a way that feels uplifting, writing a letter to your future self, or planning a day dedicated to activities you love, like hiking, painting, or watching favorite movies. You might also experiment with hosting a gathering of close friends or chosen family to celebrate the season in a way that reflects your current values. Focus on what brings you genuine joy and connection, rather than adhering to old expectations.
Set Boundaries: It’s okay to decline invitations or conversations that feel harmful or overwhelming. Practice saying, “I appreciate your interest, but I’m not comfortable discussing that right now,” or, “Thank you for the invitation, but I’ll need to pass this year.” If you do choose to attend an event that might be triggering, consider strategies to care for yourself before, during, and after. Arrive with a clear plan for when and how you might leave if needed, such as setting a time limit or driving separately. Identify a trusted ally—a friend or family member who understands your boundaries and can offer support if things become overwhelming. During the event, focus on grounding techniques like deep breathing or stepping outside for a brief walk if you need a moment to reset. Afterward, give yourself time to decompress with an activity that soothes and replenishes you, such as journaling, watching a favorite show, or talking with a supportive friend. Protecting your mental health is a valid and essential choice.
Build a Supportive Community: Seek out connections with others who share similar experiences. Online forums like Reddit communities focused on deconstruction or ex-religious support can be a good starting point. Platforms such as Meetup or Facebook often host groups for those recovering from religious trauma or exploring spirituality outside of organized religion. To find local meetups consider searching for gatherings through local mental health organizations, spiritual recovery groups, or Unitarian Universalist congregations, which often provide inclusive spaces. Attending workshops or events held by groups like Recovering from Religion or Exvangelical communities can also help you connect with others who understand your journey.
Practice Self-Compassion: Be gentle with yourself. Remind yourself that it’s okay to feel conflicted, sad, or uncertain. Practice self-kindness by speaking to yourself as you would a dear friend. For example, instead of criticizing yourself for feeling lonely, try saying, “It makes sense that I feel this way, and I’m doing the best I can.” Engage in activities that nurture your well-being, such as taking a warm bath, spending time in nature, or listening to soothing music. Consider writing affirmations or words of encouragement to yourself and placing them somewhere visible as a daily reminder of your resilience. Explore relaxation techniques like yoga, progressive muscle relaxation, or guided meditations to help calm your mind and body. Treat yourself to small acts of kindness, whether that’s enjoying your favorite meal, buying yourself a comforting gift, or allowing yourself extra rest when you need it.
Honor Your Emotions: Allow yourself to feel whatever comes up without judgment. Whether it’s grief, anger, relief, or joy, all emotions are valid. Journaling, therapy, or creative outlets can help you process and make sense of these feelings. For journaling, you might explore prompts like: "What am I feeling most strongly right now and why?" or "What does self-compassion look like for me today?" Creative outlets such as painting, drawing, writing poetry, or playing music can also provide a meaningful way to express emotions. If you enjoy crafting, consider creating something symbolic of your journey, like a vision board or handmade holiday decorations that reflect your personal growth and values. These activities can help you connect with your inner world and find constructive ways to honor your emotions.
Focus on the Present: Ground yourself in the here and now. Engage in mindfulness practices such as deep breathing, meditation, or simply noticing the sights, sounds, and sensations around you. This can help anchor you when holiday stress feels overwhelming.
Celebrate Small Wins: Recognize and celebrate the steps you’ve taken toward healing and growth. Whether it’s setting a boundary, finding a new tradition, or simply making it through the day, these moments of resilience deserve acknowledgment.
A Note on Seeking Professional Support
If the holiday season feels especially heavy, reaching out to a therapist who understands religious trauma can be a powerful step. Therapy can provide a safe space to explore your feelings, process experiences, and develop strategies for coping and thriving. As a religious trauma therapist, I would be honored to walk alongside you in this journey, offering compassion, support, and understanding as you navigate your unique path toward healing. You can schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation by emailing me at sarahford@sarahfordcousenling.com or by calling or texting me at 1(330)238-3004 to see if we'd be a good fit. Together, we can work to create a sense of safety, empowerment, and self-discovery that aligns with your needs and values.
Closing Thoughts
The holidays can be a challenging time, but they also offer an opportunity to reclaim your sense of self and build a life that aligns with your values and needs. By practicing self-compassion, setting boundaries, and creating new traditions, you can navigate this season in a way that supports your healing journey. Remember: you deserve care, connection, and joy—this season and always.
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